In the past 4 days life has taught me more lessons than it did in the 26 years and 30 days prior to that.
To be quite honest with myself, the losses I have suffered personally have been quite minimal I have been quite lucky in that regard. I lost my paternal grandma when I was 12; I did cry; it was an age where I knew what death meant, an age where I realized it meant I would never be able to see her again; I did realize I will not have her support when my father scolded me anymore; I did realize I cant eat her tasty home-made jam and home-made samosas; I did realize I can never sit on or sleep on her lap again; I cried, along with my sister who was 9; but my brother was just 6; he cried, because we were crying and all 3 of us were ok the next day.
I did not experience any personal losses for the next 12 years! My paternal grandfather died in September 2008. He was a very special person in my life; I was the first person to call him “thatha” and the mutual love was very high. I was 24 and I not only cried, but also sorely missed him and mourned for several days. I still miss him; but then, his death was not a surprise; he was 82, and he was deteriorating since 80, bad memory; there was once a time when he thought I was his son! I couldn’t really bear to see his suffering and a part of me was thankful that at least his suffering ended in a way. But; I missed him very badly and regretted that there was so much I could have done for him.
Two years later came the biggest shock and the worst tragedy to strike me ever. I am not sure how I can get out of this; not sure whether I would at all. Oct 3rd 2010. This date would remain etched in my memory forever. It was back in April 2010 that I last saw my chithapa’s (I always called him cheenappa) smiling, handsome face; my chitthi’s beautiful face and my sister’s bubbly, bold, cute smile. Nobody except my mom knew how close my cheenappa was to me; I did not express to anyone else what he meant to me. He knew me before he knew his wife or kids. He loved me as a kid; and I loved him as a father. My dad is an angry person; my cheenappa’s temper was shorter; but it was extremely short-lived too. His temper and tantrums would disappear in a matter of 5 minutes and he would be a totally different person. He also possessed this rare ability of showing the anger only towards the intended person. I only too well remember the time when he was simultaneously blasting his son off to Pluto whilst engaged in a pleasant conversation with me sitting by his side. I was always special to him. All my numerous trips to Coimbatore and Salem had been extremely pampered with almost everything that I wanted. We always went to places I wanted to go to; ate at places I wanted to eat at; and dinner was mostly what I wanted.
He was highly respected by his colleagues; something that I understood later in life. He could get anything done at a short notice. He was a very practical person. I always forgot to wish him on his birthday; but he never forgot mine; not one birthday has gone by without him wishing me.
He allowed his kids to do anything they wanted; he was strict with them till he was sure they wouldn’t take the wrong route and then gave them their space and allowed them to do whatever they wanted. They never strayed; my brother and sister.
My cheenappa and chitthi had their last kid in September 1997; she soon grew into a courageous, bold, charming girl who never thought twice before speaking to a total stranger; she had no fear whatsoever. When cheenappa was transferred to Chennai once again in 2002, my bonding with this last daughter, Gayathri (called Pattu by everyone I knew till she drew her last breath) grew by leaps and bounds. We grew so attached to each other and became inseparable. In 2007, he was transferred to Salem. How much Pattu cried, came over, and hugged everybody with every bit of affection her little body allowed her to shower, cried with every little drop of tear her tiny eyes allowed her to shed. I was sleeping when she came over to hug me; her eldest brother; and I hugged her back; lazily! Pattu, if you are reading this; I swear I love you more than that hug conveyed. It hurts to think I can’t hug you again di. All her photos are a testimonial to the charm she carried. I wanted to snap her in her many innovative ways of posing with my DSLR; ironically she decided to go away the next day I got it.
Cheenappa got a transfer to a place called Purnea in Bihar in 2010. He did not want to go. None of us wanted him to go. He wanted to quit the job. If only he had. Cheenappa. Chitthi and Pattu went to Darjeeling; enjoyed their trip, went by train and God knows why; returned by car. The car fell into a gorge, apparently 500 feet; all occupants, including the driver died on the spot. Cheenappa – 50 years old; Chitthi – 43 years old and Pattu 13 years old.
I have hugged, kissed, carried, fed Pattu so many times. She has never slept on my lap; she has not even slept hugging me. I have never lied down on Cheenappa’s or Chitthi’s lap. I have never told them how much I love them. I have never thanked them for the so many zillion things they have done for me. I have never repaid them for all the love and affection they have showered on me. I have not even hugged Cheenappa or Chitthi. I just have waved a casual bye thinking I would be seeing them sooner or later. It was the same casual goodbye that I waved without any real thought or sincerity going into it in April 2010. That was the last time I saw those eyes look into my eyes. Come what may; I can’t look into those warm and pleasant eyes anymore.
I have learnt a lesson. I have seen so many movies talk about expressing love; so many messages about expressing love. I have never paid any attention to those; never taken them seriously; but now I know what they all meant; what those people meant. Do Cheenappa, Chitthi and Pattu really know how much I loved them? I will never know…
